To live in hearts we leave behind Is not to die.~Thomas Campbell

Then there you were standing beside me. There you were, and I clearly could see, there was never more light in the eyes of an angel than I saw all around you and me.

It’s been exactly two years today, since he is gone, two long years are over without him and I still feel that he was just around -- a while ago.

We have survived without him for these years; I know all the family and loved ones, still miss him all the time with the same intensity, in their own sweet ways, and so do I.

So many times I tried to write but again it there were so many things around that couldn’t figure out where to start also went through the relocation stages and finally settled in India.

After ten years back in our own country, Nadin my son had managed to adjust well, with all its negative n positive aspects and is happy here. Soon he will turn into the age of super seven.

Remembrance is a golden chain

Death tries to break,but all in vain.

To have, to love, and then to part

Is the greatest sorrow of one's heart.

The years may wipe out many things

But some they wipe out never.

Like memories of those happy times

When we were all together.

About myself-- no issues of difficulties, just another phase of life, with its new colours, let’s see how I paint the picture this time.

Few lines i like to share

Today its been seventeen months since Mahendra has left this physical world, i have learnt a lot about life in these seventeen months, today i want to share some of it in these beautiful lines written by Sri Chinmoy.

Try to Smile
When all else fails
Try to smile.
To your great surprise
You will succeed

Life is An Endless Journey
We will never limit ourselves
If we can feel
That there is Somebody deep within us
To inspire us, to guide us,
To mould us, to shape us
And to take us On an endless journey
To an ever-transcending Reality

Fear no more
At the end of the sorrowful night
Truth appears and smilingly says,
"Beloved, fear no mor"e.
Piercing the veil of smile
Tear appears and says,
"Forget not.
I am eternally unconquerable."

Happiness

Happiness, happiness!

My dear friend, happiness,

My unparalleled friend, happiness!
You help me to defy death's existence.

You help me to purify sorrow's presence.

You help me to strengthen my weakness.

You help me to enlighten my strength.

You help me to see the face Of promise-dawn.

You help me to feel the heart

Of satisfaction-moon.

You help me to lead

The human in me.

You help me to feed

The divine in me.

You help me to fulfil

The Supreme in me.

My Eternity's friend, happiness,

You were, you are

And you shall forever remain

My Eternity's only true friend.

Every day I look at the sky and digging in the cloud hoping that someday I will find a beautiful rainbow.

I’m writing today after a month, and 15 months after Mahendra. Life and work has been keeping me busy since past few months. It’s not that thoughts don’t come to my mind, or life has taken another turn, it’s just that many times you are delving into so many thoughts that you can’t get a proper hold on one.

Things change with the time and so do the thoughts and that’s how life becomes interesting. If there were no new thoughts, life would be so monotonous.

So many things had happened in the past months--Nadin has grown up by a year, now he is much more confident and so have I. But still we both have few little doubts and fears towards life.

A few weeks ago, Nadin had a dream that a tree fell on me and I got hurt. He woke up and couldn't sleep for few hours. When I entreated, he told me that he saw me dead. I explained to him to the extent that it made him believe that until the day he is alive, I will be alive too.

Once again a couple of days back while telling stories to Nadin at night, when I reminded him that soon we will be going to India, he said, “Mama, our plane might crash too.” I could’nt speak for a few seconds. After that I talked to him for a while to remove his fear. I know that these kinds of thoughts will disturb us for quite some time and will only vanish slowly, but both of us are trying to give our best to our lives and expect the same from it.

Despite of all the fears, I have come up with few new thoughts, decisions, plans and ideas
After staying away from my country for almost 10 years, I thought about relocating and have decided to move back to India. So I am all set to go back to my own country and want to experience the feel of a citizen. Also I want to look into few new directions once I am there. As someone said:

Have faith in your dreams and someday your rainbow will come smiling through. No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep believing, the dream that you wish will come true.

Things will be definitely different for me in India, but I think I will adapt soon, because at the end of the day I am a born Indian, brought up there, and want to die as one.

I may also find myself closer to my beloved that way…at least I guess so.

Why He made father

It’s been 14 months today, without Mahendra and Nadin celebrated one more birthday without his father on august 6th and I don’t know how much Nadin missed his dad, but I did miss Mahendra as a father for Nadin on his special day. Once again I got a reason to think all about those questions, I know I will never be able to get the answers for them so have to simply go with this beautiful story I got to read and it touched me.

When the creator was creating father, He started with a tall frame.
A female angel nearby said “what kind of father is that? Why have you put the father up so high? He won’t be able to play marbles without kneeling tuck a child in bed, or even kiss a child without bending”

The creator smiled and said, “Yes but if I make him child size, who would children have to look up to?” and when creator made a fathers hand, they were large. The angel shook her head and said. “Large hands can’t manage small buttons, rubber bands on pony tails or even remove splinters caused from cricket bats.”

Again the creator smiled and said, “I know but they are large enough to hold everything a small boy empties from his pockets, yet small enough to hold a child’s face in them.
The creator formed long slim legs and broad shoulders “do you realize you just made a father without a lap? The angel chuckled.

The creator said, “A mother needs a lap. A father needs strong shoulders to balance a boy on bicycle, or to hold a sleepy head on the way home to circus.”

When The creator was in the middle of creating the biggest feet any one had ever seen, the angel could not remain silent for longer. “That’s not fair! Do you honestly think those feet are going to get out of bed early in the morning when the baby cries or walk through a birthday party without crushing one or two guests?”

The creator again smiled and said “they will work you will see they will support a small child who wants to ride to town, or scare mice away in the room.

The creator worked through the night, giving the father a few words, but a firm commanding voice; and eyes that see everything but remains calm and finally he added tears. Then he turned to the angel and said, “Now are you satisfied he can love much as a mother can?”
The angel said nothing more.

I know Nadin cannot read this story yet but he will do soon and so I save it here.

Wordless

There is Joy in joy, and Joy in grief,
Truth in truth, and Truth in the lie,
Love in love, Love in hate.
What matters, is our choice of fate!

There is Peace in peace, and in war,
Blessing in the blessing, and in the curse,
Beauty in the beauty, and in the beast.
What matters, is our choice in the Grand Feast!

In life, Life is, and so in death,
The Now, in the past and the future,
Oh my Beloved, of what Grace
Are you manifest, in the Hearts
Of the compassionate, and of the heartless!

Here I come, there I go,
Weeping for your Love, you do know!
Not in need, but in awe,
My pierced Heart stops, and only says Wow!

Memories are treasures that no one can steal; separations are wounds that no one can heal.

One whole year without a loved one, a person so close, who was always with me for past eight years. No word can explain the pain and no poem can describe how much he is remembered and missed by me and the whole family.

Though I already attended one year anniversary of Mahendra’s demise, according to the Hindu calendar, but still I have marked 26th on my calendar and also in my mind.

There is lot more to write but right now can only think of this beautiful poem, which my heart want to believe but my mind doesn’t…
To my dearest family...

...some things I'd like to say but first of all to let you know that I arrived Okay. I'm writing this from Heaven where I dwell with those I love. Here, there are no tears or sadness, there's just eternal love.

Please do not be unhappy just because I'm out of sight. Remember that I'm with you every morning, noon and night. The day I had to leave you when my life on Earth was through, the Angels lifted me and said, we welcome you, it's good to have you back; you were missed while you were gone, as for your dearest family, they'll be here later on. We need you here now, you're part of the eternal plan, there's so much that we have to do to help our mortal man.

I was given a list of things that I must see to carry through and foremost on my list is to watch and care for you.

'When you lie in bed at night, the day's chores put to flight, know that I am close to you in the middle of the night. When you think of our life and all those loving years, because you're only human, they are bound to bring you tears. Do not be afraid to cry, it does relieve the pain. Remember there would be no flowers unless there was some rain.'

'I wish that I could tell you all that I have planned but if I were to tell you now, you wouldn't understand. One thing is for certain, though my life on Earth is over, I'm closer to you now than I ever was before. There'll be many rocky roads ahead and lots of hills to climb; but together we will do it by taking one day at a time.'

'It was always my philosophy and I'd like it for you too...that as you give unto the world, the world will give to you. If you can help somebody who's in sorrow and in pain, then you can say with certainty, 'My day was not in vain and now I am contented that my life has been worthwhile, knowing as I passed along the way, I made somebody smile.'

'So if you meet somebody who is sad and feeling low, just lend a hand to pick them up and on your way you go. When you're walking down the street and you've got me on your mind; know that I'm walking in your footsteps only half a step behind.'

'So when it's time for you to go from that body to be free, remember you're not going, you're coming home to me.'

Story about Nadins first tooth fall...

Once upon a time, long ago fairies were making a spell. It was a good spell to make sick people better, but somehow they missed out something and so the spell wasn’t working. Fairies rushed for a big magic book that belonged to the queen, a small fairy found the page and read out loud.
"To make the spell perfect one small white tooth should be added; a child tooth is best."

All the little folk looked at one another sadly. "We shall never get that," they all cried.
‘Wait," a little fairy said. "I know a little boy called Timothy, who is very kind. He might give me one of his teeth if I asked him. So off he flew to Timothy. He told the little boy all about his difficulty and Timothy listened.

Timothy was a seven years old boy. One of his first teeth was very loose indeed. He often waggled it with his finger, but he wouldn’t let his mother take it out. But if fairy wanted it to finish the wonderful spell; why certainly Timothy would give him the tooth. "As soon as my mother comes in, I will ask her to take out my loose tooth for you," promised Timothy.
The fairy gave him a hug. "Will you put it under your pillow when you go to bed tonight?"she asked. "I will come and get it when you’re asleep, and for your payment you can have a wish that will come true, and perhaps some money too, if I can get some for you!"

Well, Timothy's mother took out the tooth and it didn’t hurt a bit. Timothy slipped it under his pillow. And will you believe the next morning the tooth was gone, and a bright shining coin was there instead. Timothy’s wish came true, and he was so excited and happy that he told everyone what had happened. The news soon spread, and to this very day, if you put your little white tooth under your pillow, you will find it gone in the morning, and may be a coin there instead. Don’t forget to wish a wish too, will you!

I read the above story named "Timothy's Tooth," to Nadin from a book, "The O’Clock Tales Collection" by Enid Blyton. It was a coincidence that Nadin's first tooth was loose at that time.
The reason why I wrote the whole story here is that when Nadin heard this story for the first time, the next day he told me that he was awake until late at night. I asked him what made him stay awake. As always, he said, he was thinking about Papa." Further, when I dug it more, I discovered that he was wondering that maybe instead of a fairy his papa would come as an angel to pick up his tooth and get him something in return as well- I was suprised by the way Nadin correlated the story to his real life.

Finally, few days ago, instead of one, two teeth came out together. At night, Nadin instructed me to slip them under his pillow. The first thing he did in the morning was to look under his pillow. Guess what, he found hundred bucks under his pillow. He told me happily, "Mama, look, tooth fairy kept this for me." And what did I do? I just smiled...

When Tomorrow Starts Without Me

When tomorrow starts without me, and I'm not there to see,

If the sun should rise and find your eyes,

all filled with tears for me,

I wish so much you wouldn't cry, the way you did today,

While thinking of the many things we didn't get to say.

I know how much you love me, as much as I love you,

And each time that you think of me, I know you'll miss me too.

But when tomorrow starts without me, please try to understand,

That an angel came and called my name and took me by the hand.

And said my place was ready in Heaven far above,

And that I'd have to leave behind, all those things I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away, a tear fell from my eye,

For all my life, I'd always thought, I didn't want to die.

I had so much to live for, so much yet to do,

It seemed almost impossible, that I was leaving you.

I thought of all the yesterdays, the good ones and the bad,

I thought of all the love we shared, and all the fun we had.

If I could relive yesterday, just even for a while,

I'd say goodbye and kiss you, and maybe see you smile.

But then I fully realized, that could never be,

For emptiness and memories, would take the place of me.

And when I thought of worldly things, I might miss home tomorrow,

I thought of you, and when I did, my heart was filled with sorrow.

So when tomorrow starts without me, don't think we're far apart,

For every time you think of me, I'm right here in your heart.

-Author Unknown

“We are so often caught up in our destination that we forget to appreciate the journey, especially the goodness of the people we meet on the way.

“Our family drops their plans when we're in trouble, shares joy in your accomplishments, feels sad when we're in pain. Our family encourages our dreams and offers advice--but when you don't follow it, they still respect and love you.”

Talking about family always makes me a bit too sentimental. And at this juncture they have a very special role in my life, not only because they are my family but also because of the way they have supported me, it’s really amazing.

Families always support, and sometimes they do more than their capacity, but my families supported me exactly the way I needed and wanted them to.

In the beginning, they comforted me and protected me while I needed that, and then when I wanted to be left alone, I could do that as well. All that helped a lot.

It was very difficult for my parents and in-laws and other family members to be away from my son and me, especially when they knew how sad and alone I was, but they respected my decision. Staying alone far from all the loved ones and family was not easy and it was a very difficult decision, but that’s what helped me the most. I wanted to be left alone because I wanted to spend time with myself only and wanted to understand myself better and I had succeeded in doing that.

Staying alone and away from family gave me the strength to fight with myself and my anger; it gave me a chance to understand myself and my goals for future.

In a way, I was never alone, because whenever I needed someone Mahendra was with me. His thoughts and quotes were inspiration for me. At every step in the last year, I missed him, but then I also had his memories, so it was a bit easy to deal with everything.

Definitely last eleven months had made me a much stronger person than I ever was. And it’s all because I had a very loving and supportive family which allowed me to do things my own way. I know I will never be able to say all this personally, so this is the best way to convey my appreciation for their love and concern for me and my love and concern for all my family members and the loved ones out there.

I dedicate this post to my extended family members. I love them all very much and I really mean it.

“We are so often caught up in our destination that we forget to appreciate the journey, especially the goodness of the people we meet on the way."

Since childhood, I was delicate and sentimental. Having three elder sisters and one elder brother, my younger sisters and I were like the little kids of the family. I was so sensitive that if someone talked to me in a raised voice I would cry until my eyes were red, or I would be down with fever. And it was same until I got married and even after that. It was an irony that I was the only one out of the six of us who had to move away from family and friends and had to stay in a foreign country just after a week of my wedding. Everything was very good except that I always missed my family in India—may it be a small festival or somebody’s birthday. Then suddenly one day, I got so much more to deal with, all by myself.

It was a very difficult time to move through the journey of life, heart was sad and eyes were filled with tears, there were lot of task to fulfil and had to learn a lot of new things. Most of all, there was no hope for life but still had to find a reason to live and move on. I was scared and was wondering if ever I would ever lead a normal life. There were lot of confusions and questions and I had to learn so much to deal with the new things. In simple words, what I was left with anger and sadness and lot of tears...

It’s been almost 11 months without Mahendra and I am preparing for my visit to India. I was calculating, there is so much that I have lost and found—what I have lost, no one can compensate that but what I have found is simply priceless. I have found so many wonderful people, so many new good friends. In last one year, so many old friendships have become stronger and relations are even closer to heart and most of all the immense support from my two wonderful families, which always simply made me proud.

It was my simple wish that before I attend the anniversary of Mahendra’s absence, I wanted to convey my thanks to all these people. They all have supported me all through the year and in all the best possible ways, with all the help and support from everyone in last one year, I find myself a better and stronger person. Again the list is very long and it’s not possible to name each person individually, but they all deserve my big thanks.

All my friends here in Singapore and all around the world always gave me the feeling by calling and writing regular mails that I can still do a lot and move on in the life. Many of them took efforts to visit me here despite of their busy lives, just to spend time with me and to make me feel that distance doesn’t matter. My friends, here in Singapore, were always there whenever I needed them most. Many of them visited me regularly even until now. All this really means a lot to me.

Big response and good words from Mahendra’s old buddies was like a hidden treasure for me, and to be in touch with them gives me a feeling to get connected with Mahendra in a way.

And finally my blogger friends—what should I say, this was something amazing and unexpected, to receive so much of care, concern and appreciation, from so many new people, who never met or saw me but still encouraged me all the time. For me, these are the friendships to cherish for the rest of my life! Finally I can say that world is full of many wonderful people.

About my families, I think I should write another post...

Believe in Yourself

Believe you will win this battle

and emerge better and stronger than ever.

Fight pain and self-doubt

with prayer and humour

Reach out and accept the love and support
of your family and friends

Know that you will overcome this obstacle

as you have all others.

There are some roads in life

that we must travel alone,

Even though we may be
surrounded by people whom we love.

Some things in life,

Such as what you're feeling now,

Can't be felt by anyone but you.

But just remember

you are not alone at all;

everyone who loves you

is walking with you in spirit,

and will be there with you.

You're finding a new strength,

a new peace and a new happiness.

It just takes a little time.

-- Unknown

What keeps us alive, what allows us to endure? I think it is the hope of loving, or being loved.

“Distance never separates two hearts that really care, for our memories span the miles and in seconds we are there. But whenever I start feeling sad cause I miss you I remind myself how lucky I am to have someone so special to miss.”

This morning when my son Nadin was smiling while standing in front of Mahendra’s picture, I asked him why he is smiling at his father’s picture, and he replied “because it feels good”.

Yes in past ten months, we both have learnt to smile at Mahendra’s picture and it really feels good to see his smiling picture all the time, It feels good because, now his picture reminds us of all those happy years we spent together, it also reminds that how much he loved both of us and how much he cared for us as well. Looking at his smiling picture inspires us to smile – even in odd times.

Initially there was some anger for how could he leave us and go, so whenever I looked at Mahendra’s picture, it made me cry. But knowing Mahendra and myself, I understood that how difficult it would be for him to take those last few breaths, while he knew that how we will survive without him and he had no control on his own life too. I believe he could only leave his last breath and this world, when he was confident enough that we will be able to manage things, and so somehow I feel that he believed in me, and I need to prove it -- that’s also a thought which keeps me moving.

And now, we both feel that even though Mahendra is not with us, his picture fulfils his absence and so we don’t feel alone, in fact now we find him even closer to our hearts. And since he is in our hearts –how can we miss him??

Do Not Stand At My Grave And Weep

This beautiful movie brings a message of love and comfort to those who have lost loved ones. Based on the popular poem by Mary Elizabeth Frye with a new second verse by Lucie Storrs, Do Not Stand At My Grave And Weep reminds us of the eternal oneness that we share with all creation. Please find the link below.

---------- Do Not Stand At My Grave And Weep ----------

A poem on Time

The butterfly counts not months but moments,

And has time enough.

Time is a wealth of change,

but the clock in its parody makes it mere change and no wealth.
Let your life lightly dance on the edges of Time

like dew on the tip of a leaf.

-By Tagore

“Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be recovery.”

“The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own. No apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on, or blame. The gift is yours - it is an amazing journey - and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins."

Today it’s been nine long months, for me and Nadin, living without Mahendra. Life is definitely not the same, but both of us are slowly getting used to it. Although, I keep myself very busy with work and other things, but still every morning begins with his thoughts and every evening ends with his thoughts only.

One of the lessons that I have learned in the past few months is that life gives you if you are really willing to take. Off course, you have to involve yourself in it and take chances and that starts with your first few steps.

“The First Step on the Road to Recovery is always the Most Important One”

And so, I have started taking my first steps on a new journey. The first few steps we take on any journey won't get us where we want to go, but without those first steps and the many more that follow, we would still be where we are, looking towards the future and wondering what it would really be like to see our future the way we want to live.

Life had taught me a lot in the past few months. The first and the foremost is patience. Sometimes we are so impatient and want the result immediately, but now I understand that some answers take time to be revealed to us. Another one is to have the courage to face the reality, which I had always avoided in the past, while Mahendra had always implored me to face it. But now, I do it all the time, so Mahendra must be very happy while watching over us.

I understand that it will take some time to get adjusted to a new way of living, to learn to enjoy the peacefulness, but I am willing to wait for that.

Life begins everyday

Do not say everything would be so senseless,
See the lonely rosebud in the garden
as it blossoms in the winter.

In spite of all the frost, the cold
For it - life begins everyday
It develops slowly like the bud,
opens carefully the delicate petals,
ventures, and then shines strongly

Remember
Even in the time of devastation,
Life begins everyday

Once Upon a Time ....

Once upon a time there was a girl who lived with her parents, a boy came from far away land to meet this girl, both girl and the boy liked each other and so their parents tied their knot together for the rest of their lives. Exactly 9 years ago, both the boy and girl were married and lived happily-- but not ever after-- just for 8 years and 4 month.
Yes this was our happy story, which came to a sad end on 26 June 2008,when Mahendra left this world, and today was suppose to be our 9th wedding anniversary, which has no meaning without Mahendra and so such a special day of my life, is just like any other day.
"Wedding is a start of togetherness... of walks in the rain, basking in the sunshine, shared meals, caring for one another and sensing the love that a marriage carries."
Though we got very little time to spend together but we both could understand the real meaning of marriage, we both always fulfilled our duties and were concern for each other’s need by all means that was the only thing to make our love and life alive, even until now.
“Here is the deepest secret nobody knows.
Here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
And the sky of the sky of a tree called life;
Which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide.
And this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart.
I carry your heart.
I carry it in my heart.”

When ever I look at his pictures, I feel he was so happy with life, don’t know why life got angry with him??

“People come and go, sing and dance, without uttering a word about death. All this is very fine: but, when it comes either to themselves, their wives, their children, or their friends, taking them unawares and unprepared, then what torment, what outcries, what madness and despair.”
Death frights us for sure but only until we don’t face it, so I have faced it through Mahendra and I am fear less now, because the thing people are most scared of –losing a beloved, has already happened to me. Death is a perpetual torment, for which there is no sort of consolation. There is no way by which it may not reach us. We may continually turn our heads this way and that, as if in a suspected country, but we can’t forget death. And so here I am living with the truth of death and will do till my death.
Though I am trying to be strong and positive towards life but no reason can reduce the pain of losing a beloved and so even after long span of eight months, still every morning reminds me of what had happened with me and what all I have lost eight months ago. But together with it I also think, what I have to do in future, all that Mahendra wanted me to do, and also some of the task we wanted to complete together. Will try to fulfil some of his wishes...
I have a feeling that Mahendra is happy with what we both are doing after him, so that keeps me on and encourages me to do all good deeds.
“Hold up... hold on... don't be scared
you’ll never change what's been and gone
May your smile... Shine on... Don't be scared
your destiny may keep you warm.”
Death is a factor that changes all our views as we are forced to evaluate our worth and what ultimately matters in life, and so while eight months ago life was just fun for me and now everyday life seems a fight to me, fight to live, fight to accept the fact, fight to smile, fight to stop tears and fight to move on. Despite the fight, life is alright, sometimes.

To the one I love

This message is as special
As my feelings are for you
For I believe that you were born
To make my dreams come true.
My hopes, my fears, my aspirations
You embrace as you do your own
And as long as you are in my life
I’ll never feel alone.
Without you there is no purpose
No rhyme nor reason why
So I’m sending you my kisses
With love that’ll reach the sky.

The best feeling in the world is to be millions of miles away and still be able to picture his eyes

This month of February is full of memories for me, memories which are very close to my heart, i tried many times but was unable to pen down my thoughts, or may be had a lot to write and couldn’t choose what to share, so today I am only able to tell that this month is very close to my heart, though I have posted these lines earlier also but I feel like sharing once again.
I miss you when something really good happens, because you are the one I want to share it with. I miss you when something is troubling me, because you were the one who understood me so well. I miss you when I laugh and cry because I know that you were the one that made my laughter grow and my tears disappear. I miss you all the time, but I miss you most when I lay awake at night and think of all the wonderful times we spent with each other; for those were some of the best times of my life.

Every time I look up in the open sky I feel as if Mahendra is smiling to me and saying get going, and which is the biggest reason keeps me moving. But despite of all i miss him all the time and cannot stop doing that.

I find an old photograph

and see your smile.

As I feel your presence anew,

I am filled with warmth

and my heart remembers love.

I remember who you used to be

the laughter we shared

and wonder what you have become.

Where are you now,

Where did you go,

When the body is left behind

and the spirit is released to fly?

Perhaps you are the morning bird

singing joyfully at sunrise,

or the butterfly that dances

so carelessly on the breeze

or the rainbow of color

that brightens a story sky

or the fingers of afternoon mist

delicately reaching over the mountains

or the final few rays of the setting sun

lighting up the skies

edging the clouds with a magical glow.

I miss your being

but I feel your presence,

In whatever form you choose to take,

however you now choose to be.

Your spirit has become for me

a guardian angel on high

guiding, advising, and watching over me.

I remember you.

You are with me

and I am not afraid.

-by Kirsti A. Dyer, MD, MS

Death is nothing at all

Death is nothing at all,
I have only slipped away into the next room,
I am I and you are you;
Whatever we were to each other,
that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name,
Speak to me in the easy way you always used,
Put no difference in your tone,
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we
shared together.
Let my name ever be the household word that it
always was.
Let it be spoken without effect, without the trace
of a shadow on it.
Life means all that it ever meant,
It is the same as it ever was, there is unbroken
continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of
sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere
very near, just around the corner.
All is well.
~Henry Scott Holland

This poem is contributed by Mahendra's old friend, want to believe each word of the poem.

I am here and you are there - one of us is in the wrong place...

Weeping willow with your tears running down, why do you always weep and frown? Is it because he left you one day? Is it because he could not stay? On your branches he would swing. Do you long for the happiness that day would bring? He found shelter in your shade. You thought his laughter would never fade. Weeping Willow, stop your tears, for there is something to calm your fears. You think death has ripped you forever apart, but I know he'll always be in your heart.

One more months has passed away without Mahendra, time flies so fast that you don't even realize that it's gone until you look back and start thinking what all has change in your life and then you count back the days, weeks and months? It happens many times when I feel that Mahendra was with us until last week, and has gone for a business trip and will be back soon, but then at times I also realize that he is gone, oh! he is really gone .... And it’s been seven long months.

On the way to recovery – me and my son, every night we talk about Mahendra and decide—no more tears, then next day when we try to forget the things, everything reminds of Mahendra and then same story at night and then we both are sad again. But with the time some changes occur, we both try to do all the stuff which we did with Mahendra, now my son pats my back while hugging me, and it seems as if he is saying that “everything will be fine”.

All I have understood in past months is -- that the time waits for no one, one may just sit or move on and take new challenges every day, either laugh or cry, but time always moves in same speed and will never stop for anyone so better keep moving. We cannot always get what we wish to have in life but still life goes on. So be happy with what all you have.

Every day I try to console myself and try to accept the fact but at the end of day being a human thought come to my mind...

If tears could build a stairway,
And memories a lane,
I'd walk right up to Heaven
And bring you home again.

Sincere Thanks ...

I wish to express my sincere thanks and appreciation to you all for taking the time to visit my blog and writing good words.

"Today was just one of those days where everything I did reminded me of you and every song I heard somehow related to you. I hate days like today, because they remind me of the one thing I don’t have."

I wasn't expecting it ...

I received this award from Avinash and http://delhiwithavinash.blogspot.com/ it’s a very interesting blog, the best part about this blog is that it’s a very good combination of all the topics from politics to humour, and not bound to one topic only, all the members are all very sincere as well. Also would like to mention here that Avinash received it from OLD LADY LINCOLN which is really an honour to receive an award from such an elderly and mature person to special thanks her.

I have to pass this award further to five best blogs of my choice but I apologise for not doing that, will do in near future.

Seasons change, friends move away, and life goes on from day to day. Flowers fade and streams go dry and many times we wonder why.

Why me? Why this happened with me? Why he had to leave the world so soon? Why my son has to live without a father for the rest of his life?? Everyday these questions bother me, but then I think that maybe I am one of those strong person who could survive the death of their beloved, so I was the choice. To be honest I never wanted to be strong this way-- never ever. It’s a common saying that there is a reason behind every cause; I am still wondering what could be that reason and waiting for it to come up.

Every day I promise myself to be happy but every night I am sad. Every morning I promise myself to be fine but every night I am worried. Each day I want to start with smile but every night I end up crying. Every time I tell myself I am fine but every moment I have to fight my own self. I don’t know how long it will go. Despite of all I am trying my best to move on and I think that matters the most.

At times life feels all fine and things seems to move in the right direction and then suddenly all seems so messed up. Sometimes I am so fearless, but at times, I feel so scared, don’t know what I am scared of though.

“Too often we are scared, scared of what we might not be able to do, scared of what people might think if we tried, we let our fears stand in the way of our hopes. Why? There's really no time to be afraid. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Everything!”

I know that it will take time before I can begin to feel normal again, but that time will come. Now the tears come less often and I know it is time for my new life to begin. Also I know that the life will never be the same, but this does not mean it will not perhaps be better.

New Year

We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year's Day.
- Edith Lovejoy Pierce

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories...

Celebration all around—I am thinking of Mahendra all these days and missing him a lot. Each day of the festive season, I miss him acutely. It reminds me of all those New Year’s Eve we spent together, especially the last one.

I am really waiting for this year to get over. In fact, I wait for every occasion to pass over quickly. I like normal, ordinary days. Although I remember him every single day, special memories are attached with special occasions.

Looking back on the months gone by—so many things have changed in a time span of just one year. New Year will start after few minutes and the old one will end, and I am still wondering which one could be better out of the two. Year 2008, which has been filled with so many happy days and times—when Mahendra was with me, or the coming New Year—when he will not be around, not even for a single moment. As I think of last year, I recall all those happy times with Mahendra. I also remember how he enriched our lives. I am so confused; should I be thankful for the last year for those happy moments we spent together, or should I be angry for the rest of six months I had to spend without him?

The New Year wishes—will those wishes work for me? Will I get what I want in the coming year? Will a coming year could ever be a Happy New Year??

My journey continues ....

Sometimes, no matter how much faith we have, we lose people. But you never forget them. And sometimes, it's those memories that give us the strength to go on.

It’s been six months today since Mahendra has left this world and I remember him and miss him every moment and each single day. No one can ever take the place of a loved one we have lost. But we come to a point when we're ready to move forward and meet new challenges.

Well, I am learning to live life—I would prefer to say with his strength, rather than saying without him. What all so great about the past six months, well I have learned how to make people happy even when you are sad—just by giving them a smile. I have learned to be so strong that nothing can disturb my peace of mind, to be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

Time is a great healer. This is especially true in the case of the loss of a loved one.

“To everything there is a season...a time for every purpose on earth. . . a time to die. . . and a time to heal . . . a time to weep... a time to laugh...a time to mourn...and a time to dance."

Don’t know how true it is but at least now, I will have to believe it to move forward in life.

Hope abides; therefore I abide.

Countless frustrations have not cowed me.

I am still alive, vibrant with life.

The black cloud will disappear,

The morning sun will appear once again

In all its supernal glory.

-Sri Chinmoy

Smile my Heart !

Smile, my heart, smile.
Your smile means so much to me,

Your smile feeds my reality within,

Your smile liberates me from world-clamour and

world-din.

Smile, my heart, smile.

Smile at least once in a while.

- Sri Chinmoy

My Journey without Mahendra.....

'You'll get over it...' It's the clichés that cause the trouble. To lose someone you love is to alter your life forever. You don't get over it because 'it' is the person you loved. The pain stops, there are new people, but the gap never closes. How could it? The particularness of someone who mattered enough to grieve over is not erased by anyone but death. This hole in my heart is in the shape of you and no one else can fit.

So I have started living my life without Mahendra, I am doing everything which is needed to survive a daily life. Some things are new to me and I never did before but then everybody starts from somewhere and for me this is a beginning of my new life-- a life without my beloved, a life which is full of challenges, a life where world seems too big, a life where I feel alone, but despite of all I still have a desire to live this life, which is a bit difficult. So what if I will have to face some challenges, when I did a lot already.

The strength, which I got from Mahendra, is enough to live this life, so I am moving ahead with that, and I know that the strength will always remain with me. There are times when I feel sad and low, but then I fight with it and come out of it. I do that all the time because that’s the only way to live on.

One thing I had learned from this tragedy is that no one can teach you the lessons of life. You learn from your own experiences. Even in this worst phase of life, I have learned a lot to carry forward in life.

Time brings many changes in a person and his life. I was such an optimistic person that I never let Mahendra utter, “If something happened to me.” Now, I have to tell people constantly that he had died, sometimes with tears and sometimes with choked throat, but this is the truth of my life. And one more thing that I had learned from this tragedy is—to accept the truth and face it.

Initially, I didn’t want to face people but as I moved further, I realized that it cannot be that way. If you need to live in this world, you have to face people. In the beginning, I had to meet people only related to the work, but later I discovered many nice people, and it was a good feeling.

I came across so many people in past few months and got to know that there are many people who survive through pain and sorrows of life, and then I realized that my problems are nothing compared to theirs, and it gives a motivation to carry on with life.

Mahendra used to encourage and advise me to do lot of things. Some I followed and some I ignored, because he used to do everything. Now, when he is gone, I am doing all that, and he is not here to witness anything.

I am trying my level best to continue with my journey of life. Not knowing how long I can move forward without Mahendra. All I am left with is a ray of hope that things will get better....

I Measure Every Grief I meet

I measure every Grief I meet

With narrow, probing, Eyes--

I wonder if It weighs like Mine--

Or has an Easier size.

I wonder if They bore it long--

Or did it just begin--

I could not tell the Date of Mine--

It feels so old a pain--

I wonder if it hurts to live--

And if They have to try--

And whether--could They choose between

--It would not be--to die--

I note that Some--gone patient long--

At length, renew their smile--

An imitation of a Light

That has so little Oil--

I wonder if when Years have piled--

Some Thousands--on the Harm--

That hurt them early--

such a lapseCould give them any Balm--

Or would they go on aching still

Through Centuries of Nerve--

Enlightened to a larger Pain--

In Contrast with the Love--

The Grieved--are many--

I am told-- There is the various Cause--

Death--is but one--and comes but once--

And only nails the eyes--

There's Grief of Want--and grief of Cold--

A sort they call "Despair"--

There's Banishment from native Eyes--

In Sight of Native Air--

And though I may not guess the kind--

Correctly--yet to me

A piercing Comfort it affords

In passing Calvary--

To note the fashions--of the Cross--

And how they're mostly worn--

Still fascinated to presume

That Some--are like My Own--

- Emily Dickinson

“. . . as they die, the ones we love, we lose our witnesses, our watchers, those who know and understand the tiny little meaningless patterns, those words drawn in water with a stick. And there is nothing left but the endless flow.” -- Anne Rice

When two people understand each other totally, the words are soft and strong like an orchid's perfume

Finally, I could get the glimpse of Orchids, which I had mentioned in my earlier post. Mahendra bought these, took their picture, and saved it for this day!! Aren't they beautiful ??

My Journey without Mahendra.....

I flew back to Singapore after staying only three weeks in India, and with the help of my brother-in-law took hold on life. Things were not easy for me initially. It took a while until I was able to understand the process. And also I wasn’t sure if I would be able to manage things on my own, though I assured my brother-in-law that I could. He believed me and left after two week, finishing all the initial necessary arrangements.

Here, I want to mention it again that despite all the pain and sorrow, I learned many things in the past few months—some from my own experience and some from the people whom I met in the process of getting my work done. The most important thing was to keep emotions and work separate, which my brother in-law advised me to do, and it helped, though it was very difficult, especially for a very imotional person like me. While my brother in-law was around, I had very little work to do, but sometime I had to face situations where things were difficult to hear and digest, but I had to be very practical.

I had some idea about what I wanted to do in the coming days, but I was all by myself, so I doubted if I would be able to manage things. Even if I wasn’t sure, I thought, I had to give it a try. And I tried my best. Slowly, I got the grip on my life, and now I wasn’t going to let it go at any cost.

By this time, I still had a lot of necessary work to be done—some for the future and some on daily basis. My fear was all gone, as I had seen the worst. What was left with me was-- anger and loneliness.

Despite everything, I was all alone...

Coming home to an empty house is not easy. There is no one to greet you, and the chair opposite you at the dinner table is empty. The house seems to echo from the silence, and you shed a tear as you remember that you are now all alone. So many years together, so many memories you two created together and all you have left. Losing a loved one changes your entire life, especially when the loved one was also your best friend. You feel completely lost and totally uncomfortable making even minor decisions. The bed feels big and you hug the pillows for comfort. But something inside you tells you that you can survive!

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage

I do not define myself by how many roadblocks have appeared in my path.
I define myself by the courage I’ve found to forge new roads.
I do not define myself by how many disappoints I’ve faced.
I define myself by the forgiveness and the faith I have found to begin again.
I do not define myself by how long a relationship lasted.
I define myself how much I have loved and being willing to love again.
I do not define myself by how many times I have knocked down.
I define myself by how many times I have struggled to my feet.
I am not my pain.
I am not my past.
I am that which has emerged from the fire.

A Child is a beam of sunlight from the Infinite and Eternal, with possibilities of virtue and vice-- but yet unstained.-- Lyman Abbott

This post is about my son Nadin, who is coping very well with the circumstances by all means. He is much stronger these days, and is able to control his tears. Whenever we talk about his papa, although I can see his wet eyes, he never lets the tears flow. Once, I asked him the reason, and he said that he didn’t want to cry. So now, I find him stronger then myself.

Last month, he saw his papa many times in dreams. When I asked him about it, he replied that Papa wanted to sleep most of the time so they hardly talked.

I asked him to tell Papa to come in my dreams, and he said, “Mama, you should sleep on my side, and I will sleep on your side, and then Papa will appear in your dreams tonight.” I was amazed by his logic!!

One day, he heard someone on the TV, saying, “I don’t believe in God.” He asked me what that meant. I explained to him that some people believed that there is God and some don’t. And also, that some think God is good, and some think He is not very nice, because He takes away our loved ones. Then, I asked him what he thought. He replied, “God is good. That’s why you cook good food, as He guides you in doing that.” I said, “But God also took away your papa,” and then he replied, “No, he didn’t. It was the pilot who crashed the plane.” He left me dumbfounded. After a while, I told him that he could think the way he liked. When he saw tears in my eyes, he said, “From now on, we won’t talk about Papa, because when we do, you always cry.” Moreover, when I asked him why he was so concerned these days, he replied, “Because Papa is not around....”

No matter where you are

your spirit will be beside me,

for I know that no matter

what you will always be with me

A Note of Thanks...

Just want to thank all the readers and followers. I want to show my gratitude for all of those, who take the time to read my simple words. Thanks for all the good thoughts and comments .

My Journey without Mahendra.....

When someone you love leaves, a piece of yourself goes with them. So a big part of mine has gone with Mahendra too. But I still treasure lot from him to carry all through my life.

Today, it’s been five months since Mahendra left this world.... I could gather the courage to share with everyone how I went through all these months, how I shattered and then gathered myself, of course, with the help of many wonderful friend’s and great family support.

I have been a very optimistic person all through my life, so positive about everything that even when I heard the news about the plane crash I was one hundred percent sure that Mahendra would make it and come back. Until the time when the fifteen bodies were identified, I was still very sure that he was there alive in the remaining three people and would come back home, maybe slightly injured.

So for two long days, I just prayed and cried and hoped that all will be fine, but of course being a human being I also feared the worst.

Unfortunately, I was left only with broken hopes when I got the bad news. I shouted and screamed and lost my control for a while. Lost my interest in life and was not bothered about anything. I thought I wouldn’t survive without Mahendra. Though, I accepted the fact after a while, but there was lots of frustration and questions. I was asking people why this has happened, even though I knew nobody could answer my questions. I cried and cried until I had no tears.

I didn't have my family members around initially, but being alone didn't mean that I didn't have to deal with it. You have no choice, you can't fall apart. There is no one else around to do the daily chores, you still have to have your kid and tell him bedtime stories, and you still have to do everything that you need to do.

After my brother-in-law was back to Singapore from Jakarta, he handed me the things that Mahendra used to keep with him all the time. I even got the wedding ring that Mahendra used to wear from the day we got married. I wondered how come allthose things survives and Mahendra couldn't ?

I didn’t get much time to think, as a lot of things were to be done by me as I was all alone. After I arrived in India, from the moment I was out of airport, I was very shy rather shameful, yes I felt that way. And after I arrived home, I rather hated myself. I still couldn’t figure it out why I felt that way. One reason maybe that I had never imagined myself without Mahendra since the day we got married.

So while in India, I was just sitting and crying and did nothing until my body got sore and then I started to think about future. I understood that no one can recover my loss, so I told myself-- it’s enough — now I have to get up and move. I did that too, again I could do it just because of the wonderful family I have, and the continuous support from them.

Since I didn’t see Mahendra after the plane crash, I saw him in my dream. I saw him coming back home from his trip, moreover when I told him about the plane crash, he said to me how could I believe it. So the whole thing gave me a reason to think that maybe Mahendra was still alive somewhere in Indonesia. I could not discuss it with anyone while I was in India. When I came to Singapore, I spoke to his brother about it. I asked him, who had identified Mahendra in Indonesia and who else saw him in India. He explained to me that he himself identified the body in Indonesia and the entire family members saw him in India and then I believed him.

But still at times, I wonder if he is still alive somewhere and would come back some day, while I know he will not, never...

Many people told me that he is watching me, and he doesn’t like it when I cry, also his soul is there and so many other things. I want to believe all that too, but then how to believe that he can just watch me cry and do nothing. While he was here he never wanted that, if his soul is around why can’t I feel it? So many questions untold, and I know no one can answer them ever....

Question for God !!

I found this interesting note written by a child !!

Try to make at least one person happy every day. If you cannot do a kind deed, speak a kind word. If you cannot speak a kind word, think a kind thought. Count up, if you can, the treasure of happiness that you would dispense in a week, in a year, in a lifetime!

I Promise Myself

To be so strong that nothing can disturb my peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness and prosperity to every person I meet.
To make all my friends feel that there is something worthwhile in them.

To look at the sunny side of everything and make my optimism come true.
To think only of the best, to work only for the best
and to expect only the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of
others as I am about my own.
To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the
greater achievements of the future.
To wear a cheerful expression at all the times and give a smile
to every living creature I meet.
To give so much time to improving myself that I
have no time to criticize others.
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear,
and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.
To think well of myself and to proclaim this fact to the world,
not in loud words, but in great deeds.
To live in faith that the whole world is on my side,
so long as I am true to best that is in me.

CHRISTIAN D.LARSON

A wonderful person who reached out and touched lives in many thoughtful ways

Those wonderful years, which we've shared, have been full of joy, and the memories we have made together will also go on and on. There is one question I ask to god all the time, that why he had to go so soon?? He lit up my life, my hopes and dreams, and opened my eyes to see what all it means, and now that he is gone how can I forget that he was the best person I had ever met.

As I think about the things that I so much admire about him-- his ability to learn and how he was so concerned about everyone. A great teacher and the coach, he had been to me and many others.

How he showed the way by example to our son with patience, kindness and love, and most of all his unwavering love for me.

A warm smile is the universal language of kindness. Mahendra carried it all through his life, and even now whenever I think of him, I always see him smiling. He had a smile bright enough to light up anyone’s day and a kind and caring heart

Things that I learned from him make me stronger and better and the person I am today.)

I really admire him very much and he never failed to impress me. To me, he was a gifted person--specially designed by God.

“Every moment spent with you is like a beautiful dream come true”

I feel a warmth around me
like your presence is so near,
And I close my eyes to visualize
your face when you were here,
I endure the times we spent together
and they are locked inside my heart,
For as long as I have those memories
we will never be apart,
Even though we cannot speak no more
my voice is always there,
Because every night before I sleep
I have you in my prayer.

-by Louise Bailey

"Strength is born in the deep silence of long-suffering hearts; not amid joy"

Mahendra's Early Life through the words of his Brother

I appreciate the efforts of Tripti, in keeping the memories of Mahendra live through the blog. I thought to supplement her efforts by throwing some light in the early life of Mahendra.

It is difficult to accept loss of Mahendra, my beloved brother. Mahendra has been an inspiration to all of us as he had scaled heights in his professional carrier, despite of odds. He always wanted to do something big and wanted all of us to achieve higher in professional life. He was keen to do some business in India, as it was the hub of global activity in I.T. Mahendra was an excellent Information Technology professional & had expertise in GIS mapping solutions. But this did not deter him from following any other assignments, which made business sense. I was eagerly waiting for his Delhi/India visit in July, 2008 to work out the business proposition conceptualized by him, but could not materialize.

.Mahendra was born to Shri Jai Dutt Bahuguna & Smt Janki in village Bughan, Distt. Almora, Uttrakhand. He was third among four brothers & one sister. Since childhood I remember him as obedient, disciplined and firm child. We enjoyed our childhood, playing, laughing, quarrelling, supporting in and around Jalana a small place on hill top approx. 12 km, east of Almora. Jalana was the facility centre for villages around, & had Road connectivity Block Development Office, primary school, health care facilities, post office etc.

Jalana was well known for its apple orchards & our home was on top of one such orchard. Since both our parents were teachers in Jalana school. Mahendra had his schooling from the primary school, Jalana, in scenic surroundings of the Shivalik hills. Our little home at Jalana had good environment for studies & our father used all the spare time in coaching us. Therefore despite of difficult social life, we could do well in studies. I could revisit the memories of Jalana in April ’08 with members from our extended family & received warm welcome from the people.

After few years, our parents moved to the new primary school opened in our village “Bughan”, Mahendra had to complete his high school from the Dhyonathal High school. It was a up climb for 2 Kms through the zigzag path ways on the hills to reach the school for one hour each way. Self study was the only option as good faculty was scarce in these remotely located colleges.

Mahendra passed high school in 1980 in first division with honours and moved to Haldwani for further studies.

The driving spirit thus inculcated through difficult times brought him success as probably nothing appeared unachievable.

Full credit goes to our parents for whatever we have achieved in our life for their unflinching support and dedication for our better future at every step in life.

Rajendra Bahuguna

“Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy.”

Last Few Months

It was March 2008. During our eight wonderful years together, many of our dreams had already come true. Mahendra had many plans for the future; whether they were business ventures or holiday trips across the globe. He always wanted to try new things and had many more dreams—for himself and for us as well. If destiny permits, I will definitely try to fulfil them with Nadin.

In April Mahendra had to go to Hong Kong for his business trip. Nadin and I also joined him and we had a fun-filled vacation. Nadin loved Disneyland, so did we. We went on all the rides and had wonderful time together.

By the time we were back to our normal routine after the holidays, Mahendra had to go to Malaysia, and Nadin had a midterm break, so once again we got a chance to travel, and together we headed to Malaysia for 12 days. Even in his busy office routine, Mahendra would take us around, and we saw almost the entire city. In the past 8 years whenever we had visited Singapore, we had been thinking of going to Malaysia, but somehow couldn’t make it. Now I wonder how Mahendra was able to fulfil this long-standing wish of ours just a few weeks before his departure.

We had not travelled so much, especially after Nadin, so when I go back to those few months; I feel they were the best of all the times, and a kind of bonus for us.

Now that we were back and relaxing after the long trip to Malaysia, Mahendra had to go to Indonesia for his project.

It was Sunday, June 22nd. The entire day we were at home, as Mahendra loved to spend time with us. He left home at 3 pm to catch his flight and that was the last time I saw him....
He called me after landing at Jakarta Airport—the usual “reached safely” call. On Tuesday evening, he called again, and at the time, I had a friend visiting me at home. Mahendra was glad that I had company, and he said that he would call me later. So we didn’t talk much, but still whatever we talked remains our last conversation. I thought that he would call again on Thursday....

But on Thursday, all our plans, wishes, and the dreams were shattered with the bad news about Mahendra’s departure from this physical world.

OUR JOURNEY OF LIFE AND THE WHOLE WORLD CAME TO AN END.